Back to the Beginning

Jul 01, 2021

If you were to look at my life right now from the outside, you probably wouldn't think that I've struggled with food and health in general... But you'd be wrong. If we take it all the way back to the beginning, you would see an insecure girl in high school battling with diet culture everyday. I was always the "over weight" friend. Even though I was never actually very over weight, it just felt that way because everyone close to me was just naturally smaller than me. After noticing that, it became my goal to shrink myself and make myself smaller at all costs. 

This is what started my obsession with fad diets. 

They seemed like magic. 

You get to lose weight with minimal effort and lifestyle changes, you just have to take this pill or drink that drink for a short amount of time? I'm in!

It sounded too good to be true! 

... Long story short, it was.

But I don't want you to miss out on my long story so let's talk about the first fad diet I did - The Master Cleanse. I did little research on it but it only required simple, cheap ingredients and I was down to give anything a try. The cleanse drink was made up of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, 100% pure maple syrup and water. Mix that bad boy up then drink it all day and have as much as you'd like. 

I quickly learned that JUST drinking that was not going to work. I was freaking hungry. So I ate yogurt, soup and other liquids that they said would also be ok while doing the cleanse. 

I lost 12 pounds in 10 days. 

Super cool right?! I was ecstatic! I felt like absolute shit but heeeeeyyyy I lost weight! I don't know what I thought would happen. 

Maybe I'd be happier? I'm smaller so I should be happier right?

Anyway, my bathroom ceiling didn't rain balloons down on me so I went on with my day and life. Immediately gaining that weight back. That's when I learned what water weight was and that it was actually almost impossible to lost 12 pounds of straight fat in 10 days.

So here I am, back where I started and still feeling like I hate the body I'm in.

I get back to just eating whatever I was before and doing my regular habits because I didn't make any real changes in my life when I did the cleanse. Then I start seeing all these girls doing "competitions". 

Gorgeous, graceful, beautiful but most importantly - so small and skinny.

I wanted that and I wanted that BAD. I did a little research on who was a good coach for this kind of thing but unfortunately, I didn't even know what would qualify someone as a good coach at that time. 

This is a story I will make short - she wasn't a good coach.

She started me out on very low calories, high cardio, 6 days a week workouts and little emotional support during a time when I could have used some guidance. I followed her plan for about 2 months when I was like "wow I'm so miserable and if this is what I have to do then that's not cool". 

I quit with her and fittle farted around for a while but decided I can't follow someone blindly like last time. I found that I really had a love for health and fitness and I ended up switching my degree to Health science and nutrition. I also become a certified personal training and started working at a gym. I was happy that I had found my thing but I felt like I didn't "look" the way a fit person should and I still felt this need to be smaller. 

So I reached out to a registered dietitian that was also a prep coach. She was wonderful for the most part when it came to making sure I was eating enough, answering my questions, and guided me through the bikini prep world.

I did the damn thing. I did a prep for 8 months, I lost 30 pounds and I felt like an absolute princess on stage. 

Afterwards, I lost my direction.

I knew the plan for 8 months and then she came at me with a "reverse diet" which means slowly increasing calories back to a point where your body is no longer in a deficit. This is necessary and can be done correctly but I was so over it. 

The counting, measuring, watching what I ate, all of it.

So I told her I no longer wanted a coach and just started to live life in with this blind hunger. I was always hungry.

It's not like a "my stomach is empty so I need to eat something - hunger" but like my brain and body are trying to make up for all the time I had been eating so little type of hunger. Which I later learned is a super real thing that your body and mind goes through because your hormones are  all wonky from the long amount of time in a deficit.

Anyway, I ate for months and months nonstop till I looked up and realized I had gained 30 pounds.

I couldn't even be mad at myself though because I had such a good time putting it on.

Going on dates with my boyfriend, never saying no to getting donuts with a friend, getting drinks, going to the movies and eating snacks. I just never worried about food which is so weird for me because I've always had to worry about it.

It was actually a funny coincidence because right around this time I learned about this thing called "all in". This was a new way to view food. Going "all in" and eating till satiety while not worrying about what your body looks like. Strictly just trying to fix your relationship with food. 

(we'll talk in another blog post on why dieting makes you view food in a different way and why you would need to fix your relationship with food)

But I felt like that is what I had done, unintentionally. By eating whatever I wanted for months on end, I finally didn't have the cravings and constant thoughts of foods that were "bad" for me. 

I actually craved other things like fruits, beans, whole grains. Even though I allowed myself everything - I didn't eat Oreos all the time because my body knew that, that food would always be there if I ACTUALLY wanted it. 

I had this awesome relationship with food but I was not happy with how I felt or what I saw in the mirror.  

 With the blind hunger gone, I decided to just be conscious of what I put in my mouth and find movement that I enjoy... then the Pandemic happened and the gyms closed. 

LOL I decide to get my shit together and the GYMS CLOSE! 

I took a deep breath and committed to making home workouts work.. and they did. Shit, they worked better than some of my gym workouts! It ended up being a blessing in disguise. I didn't realize that I was also burnt out of the gym and the stress of just going there and being around people. So working out at home actually made me more consistent. 

About 6 months go by just living, eating and listening to my body and I'm literally in heaven. The weight came off in - I don't know how long because I wasn't focused on it anymore. I hopped on the scale and I was 20 pounds lighter and felt like a new person on the inside and out.

Then something crazy happened... my boyfriend asked me to be his wife and I said yes :)  

Stay tuned for the crazy 4 month crash diet I did to get wedding ready!! 

LOL JK but if you're interested - I will be continuing the story of how I kept the diet culture out of my wedding planning!

Thanks for being here with me and being apart of my journey!



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